Facing the cycles of life

How does one know exactly how to face the cycles of life? Hundreds of books have been written, articles have been published, and people have talked about it, but when you are the one who is facing it, how do you handle it? How do you handle the emotions, the tears, the fears, the questions? I've cried more since Tuesday, than I have in a very long time. There is nothing that can prepare you for the reality of aging.

My Grandma and I both have strong personalities, so throughout my life we have had our times of butting heads over things, sometimes even greatly disliking her for how I felt like I wasn't one of the "accepted, brilliant" grandkids since I was home schooled, but there is also a realization of a deep love there. I love to see how she adores the girls. Not only does it brighten up her day when we come to visit, it gives her laughter at the funny things the girls say and do while they are there at her house.

This has been a week like none other. Although it started out as an average week, it has definitely not closed out that way. On Wednesday, I got a text from my aunt saying she was on the way to the ER with my Grandma. Grandma had woken up very confused and refused to get up out of bed. If you know my grandma, this is extremely unusual. She is typically an early riser and has her bed made before you can blink. It is rare for her not to have a response or comment.

The family doctor was contacted and the decision was made to go to the ER. They ran a slew of tests, compared them to older ones they had on file and found no change. The doctor mentioned it's probably just Dementia. As we left, we began to see just how bad the confusion was.

We have essentially gone from her being "normal" and conversant on Tuesday to having to care for her almost completely. Dealing with this has been gut wrenching for all of us. We keep asking if there is something we've missed...or the doctor missed. It's so hard to understand and come to grips with.

Grandma sits in her chair and sleeps most of the day. She doesn't seem to know to do anything else. She can converse if she's awoken, but doesn't seem to have much to say. She has to be prodded to eat, prodded to go to the bathroom, prodded to get dressed, prodded to drink water. All of this requires much patience, much love, and both mental and physical energy. One must help her wherever she goes. She has a 4-leg cane, but doesn't know where to go. A frequent question is, "What do I do now?"

Grandpa is devastated. They have been married for 66 years. She is his lover, soul-mate, best friend, and companion. They do EVERYTHING together. He's also exhausted. This takes so much energy. It requires so many decisions. Grandpa is a very laid back kind of guy and decisions have usually been Grandma's first response. He's doing amazing caring for her. One of the things that has touched me the most is to see his deep, unending love for Grandma. On Thursday, he left to go to a meeting in the office of their apartment building (just down the hall), and before he left, he knelt down on one knee and kissed Grandma's cheek. She was sleeping, and only flinched as someone who was being interrupted from a nap and then went on sleeping. In that moment, I saw a kind of love I pray I'll have for my husband 56 years from now. It was not the kind of "love" that is thrown around in our movie-star saturated culture. This is the kind of love that knows no end and one that truly believes the "til death do us part" with every fiber of his body.

Today, we met with a caregiving organization to see about getting help. Grandpa is 91 and is just not capable of bathing, dressing, moving, and doing all of the care for Grandma. It's too much for him to handle doing it all. After the meeting and subsequent research and calls, it has been set up to have some care come in each day to help. This should be good since
my Aunt and I have been the caregivers since Tuesday. I spent the night Wednesday night and was there some of the day on Thursday and have been in and out ever since. I'm glad to be in the same town and be able to help.

I'm so thankful God has us here for this. I grew up so far from any of my grandparents and never had the chance to be with them except on vacations and holidays. Now, we see them about once a week. It has given Phil and I an opportunity to build a relationship with them and also allow our girls to have a special relationship with G & G. We've been blessed with such a rich heritage and know that without a doubt we are prayed for each day in their prayers.

Almost 3 years ago when we moved here, I was excited that we would at least have G & G here in town. I had no idea that at 33, I'd be coming face to face with the cycles of life...the decisions that go with caring for aging loved ones. I've listened to my mom talk about handling these situations with her parents, but have been so thankful that G&G Lytle have been doing so well.

I have no fear of where Grandma will go when she dies. She'll be in Heaven with so many who have gone before her. She'll have an amazing homecoming with her Maker and will be relieved of the daily pains she feels due to being 91. What I find so hard to comprehend and grasp is how we can go from sitting having a conversation to caring for her as if she were a young child in such a short span of time (24 hours). I don't want to see Grandma like this. I want to sit and have more conversations about the past, about what life was like back when she was growing up. I want to repeat her favorite bedtime saying with her "Sleep tight, wake up bright, in the morning light to do what's right with all your might" for many more years to come. I'm not ready to share her with her Maker. I'm not ready for her to need constant care. I'm not ready to see how this is breaking Grandpa's heart. (Grandpa and I have always had a special bond. This has definitely grown that.) I long for the tears to stop, yet wonder if I really want them to. With each tear, I feel my heart hurt so much more. With each tear, I open my hands and say, "God I don't understand, I don't want this, this hurts so, but I know I can't do this without you. Take me in your hands, I give it to you." I long to make the pain go away. The mental picture I have right now reminds me of the one in the book "I'll Love you Forever" where the mom holds the boy in her arms. I wish I could go crawling into my mom's lap and have her tell me it will be ok and kiss me. Isn't that how it was when we were kids? We could totally believe when we were in our parents' arms that everything would be ok? Why does it seem when we are adults that life is so far from that point? Oh how I long to be a kid again when it seemed the only problems we faced was who do we play with today. These grown up problems, decisions, emotions can rip you at the core.

(Side note..I'm listening to a song on Pandora radio by FFH..."I need your touch, I need your love, Oh, Jesus, speak to me. I need to hold you oh so close, Jesus, speak to me..." How appropriate!) The next song that came on was "Praise you in the storms" which besides the inner storm, a thunderstorm is going on outside.

To those of you who are here, please, don't ask how I am...it will only create more tears. A hug, a touch on the shoulder, your prayers .... I hate crying in public and at this point, it seems all that will come out. There is no "non-tear" version of this story.