The urge to write

Tonight I've just had the urge to write. I don't know that there is any one thing on my heart, but I miss writing. I've been stopping by several friends' blogs and been blessed at each stop. Whether it's Mindy's heart to bake (I can still remember her mom baking chocolate chip cookies or pecan pies...didn't like the pies but the adults did! Cookies were the best!) or Carla's blog where she was sharing an everyday story that hit the nail on the head spiritually, God has His ways of teaching us.

This summer had been nothing like I imagined it would be. I somehow concocted a picture of glorious summer days full of strawberry lemonade, sunning by the pool with a good book...after sleeping in until at least 9 am. RRRRT. STOP! Where in the world did that come from? A movie? A silly fiction novel? A desire for life to be that way maybe? I can't say that I've had a single day like that in my whole summer (but maybe I'll make one this week!!!! Here's hoping.) I can see each of those things individually, but most of the time they aren't all together in a relaxing day! Hmmm...with one month left before school starts, me thinks I better make it happen!

It's not like it's been the easiest of summers around here. We've had the major downturn of health for Grandma, learning to help Grandparents in ways I never imagined, recovering still from our auto accident in March, asthma struggles, and so much more. It seems my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride.

You know, it's really kind of funny. When I started writing, I had lots of ideas of what I want to say, but now, as I write, I'm facing writers block and can't think of what to say or how to say it.

I'm sad. As we speak, I have 5 grandparents, and 4 of them are struggling with major health problems - mainly dementia. Some are in worse stages than the others. My Grandma Joan doesn't even know who mom is. She calls her "a nice person" just like everyone else she sees. Her husband, Grandpa Dave, seems to be failing too, although he's such a bull-headed man, one can never truly know what is going on in his head. My Grandpa S's health seems to be failing more rapidly than we had originally thought. He's getting more and more confused each day (all 2nd or 3rd hand reports...I haven't made the trip to see him. We spent time with him at Thanksgiving.) He's due to move to a more assisted living situation in the fall, but not sure how things will pan out with him.

Then there's Grandma Lytle. Her health seems to plateau, then fall, and then be ok for a little while. This past week has been another very difficult one. She's been very confused and even flighty. Tomorrow morning they are assessing her to see if she is even able to be transferred to the nursing care across the street in the step-down care facility they are living in, or if she'll have to go somewhere else. This is just breaking Grandpa's heart. They've been married at least 65 years. He feels like he's losing his mind, but in reality it's just he isn't sleeping because he has to listen for Grandma and is up multiple times a night with her (almost like having a baby around again). If he were able to relax from some of the care, I think he'd start perking up again. He's facing grief just with what he's dealing with now, I can't imagine how hard it will be living apart from Grandma when the time comes.

Lately each morning when I wake up, it's a struggle to get up. I feel exhausted and ready for a nap even before I get up. I wish I could be like a dog after a bath and just shake free off all the stress and grief. SHAKE it off. It's just that's not the reality of how things are. Each piece of the situation takes a little more frosting off the cake. It makes the cookie crumble. In some ways, it's probably easier this way because I'm only dealing with a little at a time, but it seems like such a long process of grief no matter how I deal with it.

I've just been alerted to the fact that it is after midnight and way past my bedtime, so I'll close for now and have to write more another time. Sorry my thoughts were so mixed up and seem to be all over the place. It's just how my brain feels tonight.