Ever wish finding a bosom buddy friend could be as easy as they make it in the kids books?

My mind draws me back to old Charlie Brown shows with Charlie, Linus, Lucy, and Snoopy. I think their writer showed true friendship through their relationships because they had their ups and downs, some more downs, and then ups. The disagreed, but they were still friends in the end.

I want that. God has blessed me with some very dear friends - Rizzy - my advisor and "devil's advocate"
Melinda - the friend who had just begun to be a friend when we moved...and that friendship grew thru email, calls, and visits when I'm home,

Katy - my best friend from college - whose life is even more insane then mine which creates issues when we attempt to plan to get together,

Joy who lives in the middle of nowhere, but came down to dance...a dance of friendship during a really low point for me this past summer,

there's Missy - we met because of her love for Pampered Chef and God keeps connecting us at the oddest times in our lives to serve and pray.

There's Lorri who walked out of my life 3 years ago and hasn't returned. I have tried to keep in touch, but to no avail. She's just gone. That makes my heart hurt. We were prayer partners and sisters at heart (even though our hearts were the only thing of the same color!). I miss her.

There are a few here who I feel tiny sproutings of friendship blooming - Amanda - the little girl from down the street in Avon who said she was a little brat....I sort of remember that, but now that she's grown up, I think she's pretty swell.

There's Molly. Molly and I click. We workout together (when she's not in school), we talk together, and we love spending time together.

There's Rebecca - who was in my life for a short period of time locally, but who has a bosom buddy connection that we can't deny even though she's to far away to see her now.

There's Holly, but I fear her legalistic studying to become a legal jargan kind of person, has kept her from connecting with me to share her deepest thoughts on some guy...who hasn't yet won approval from Phil or I! Holly, you know that's part of the deal of claiming to be my sister, right?

There's Cheryl, a dear friend who I connected with thanks to Maryann, and feel a special bond to.

There's Abby and Jackie, but I feel we're just in a different place now. A different season with less connection.

There are older friends:
Alan - my adopted "dad" and mentor, former boss, and now and "adopted" grandparent to my girls. He's one who really looks out for me.

There's Jan - my husband's favorite painting buddy. She's known me since I was a small child and loves me, prays for me, and is a good friend.

There's Kathy - Holly's mommy. I helped raise her as a mommy. Yes, I know that sounds weird, but she practiced on me for several years before Holly came along (Good thing for Holly she had some practice on me first! Although I wasn't nearly as perfect as you, Holly.

There's my mommy. Although we haven't always seen eye to eye, we're a LOT alike. This had its drawbacks when I was younger, but now I think it can be a good thing because she understands me quite well. She may not have the right words, but boy does a long, meaningful hug from my mommy help heal a bit of the heart hurt. Why do I have to be 10 hours away from that?

I can't forget one of my youngest friends...she's 6 and is missing a tooth. She is amazing. She sees right thru me and does what her little heart can do for a mommy she senses is hurting...she writes me notes to tell me she loves me. She tells me she needs to hug me. She tries to get me to laugh. Pretty cool kid that Katy. She's loyal. She's almost ALWAYS by my side and has been known to just reach over and grab my hand and hold it tightly. Another one of her ways of sensing what I need. Thank God for giving us her when we didn't know if we were going to have another child after my complications with Lilly.

I'm sure there are others. My brain is tired, and so it is hard to pull them all out of it. As I look, there are many friends in my life. Just not many who are here now. Ones who care enough to continually reach out and see how I really am...not just the surface stuff. That is really what I need is someone to take me under their wing and love on me. To help carry the burdens I'm facing and show me the way out of my dark world. TO lift me up in prayer, to show me how to walk out of this lonely road without having to do it alone or with medications.

The tears fall unceasingly. My heart aches. It yearns for someone to lay my head on and cry. I have no desire for medications to bring me out of this. I've been there, and it wasn't an easy road either. Day by day I trod on wondering when the burdens (much like in Pilgrim's Progress) will lessen. When I'll find a place where I can fit in and feel wanted. Not a place called Intentional Unity where unity is not found.

It's depth that I want. Depth in friendships, depth in spiritual growth, depth in learning how to handle me and my needs, depth in applying something from a class that will have application to my life where I am now. Depth...depth....depth.

I want to dig into a study of something practical for me, for where I am in life. Not a study that is meant to be general enough to meet everyone's needs in a broad manner.

I want to feel wanted for me, not for what I can do for you. I HATE this. Honestly this has been my feeling about the group I've been with for the past 2 years. If I can do something for the leaders, then I am liked, if not...I'm not really even noticed. Once in awhile someone mentions they've missed me, but that is rare.

You know, coming from a small church of about 150, I find 2000 a hard number to handle. I hear myself saying there are way too many people who come in the door and walk out without even being touched by anyone (unless it is in the mob to get a seat). I find this number overwhelming. I have options...venues actually, but I can't handle watching the preacher on a video screen because I feel like I'm playing church (and hate listening to everyone around me whisper and carry on conversation). I want to be close to the "real thing" for greater chances of being ministered to.

So what can I say except that my heart is heavy and lonely. My heart is dying for that covering of love only a true friend can offer. Now, don't get me wrong, my husband is a great friend and has been for along time, it's just I know that it isn't feasible to expect my husband to meet all my needs. I was designed to need girlfriends to help meet my needs.