The Pit, The Lion's Den, The Dark Hole

Depression comes in many forms, under many names. Some people say it's like a black hole. I really don't know what to call it other then a deep darkening of the soul and body.

I've been fighting it for a few months, but my fighting doesn't seem to be helping. I feel like Daniel falling deep into the Lion's den or Joseph being thrown into the pit. It's dark, it's lonely, it's scary, and it's not where I want to be. I want to be out where there is light (sunshine preferably), where I'm free to run and play...if only I had the strength to do that.

I have a hunch it started in early November when a dear friend and one of my strongest prayer warriors passed away. She was the one God would wake in the middle of the night when things were a mess for me. He'd keep her awake and praying until the spiritual battle was cleared enough for her to go back to sleep. Do prayer warriors still get to pray in heaven? Do they still do the same job?

Since Linda died, the baton of being a prayer warrior has been passed to me. I'm finding it very overwhelming. I didn't chose to accept the baton, it just happened. As I prayed so hard for Linda, it's like God said, "My child, she's prayed for your for years, now it's your turn." I wonder know what good it might have been to stand up to that quiet voice and say, "NO! I don't want to do this!" The problem is that it really was my baton. I'm now the one who gets stopped in the middle of the day feeling an urgent need to pray for someone. I'm the one who people are starting to come to for prayer. I just don't feel like I'm anything special because I can barely find time to do more then read a small devotional each day. How can I be some spiritual prayer warrior?

Shortly after Linda died, I lost another prayer warrior in my life - my Grandma. Each and every day without fail, Grandma and Grandpa would join together in prayer for every member of our extended family. Although I know my grandpa is still praying, I miss knowing Grandma is too. Again, I wonder, is a person still a prayer warrior in heaven?

SInce Grandma died, I do my best to look out for Grandpa, but it's so hard to go there. He's got pictures of Grandma all over the place. I often want to say, "How's Grandma?" or "Hey, Grandma, what do you think about ....." Then I realize it's just not possible. She's gone. Why does that have to be so hard to say? Why does that have to ache to the core of my being? Isn't it just another fact of life? We're born, we live, and then we die. Dust to dust. Guess it's not that easy to accept when you love someone who has passed from this life into the next. Although I know I'll see here again, it's not now. I want to hear "I Love you." I want to know she's praying for me.

I feel so alone. So desperate out here in my desert place. It's dark, lonely, endlessly long. The light does not shine (although, that could describe an Indiana winter perfectly) and no one passes by, not even the lone "Samaritan", I feel much like that poor man laying by the side of the road wondering how he would move, let alone get up. Yet I also wonder if someone were to throw me a rope if I would have the strength to do anything about it. I'm beaten down, feeling quite worthless many days, and would rather hide from life rather then face it head on. I'm tired of the day to day fight for will. I'd never say end this life, just end this depression.

I don't want to go back on medications. I remember the feeling of being on it, of taking the meds late, of non-connecting synapsis. I remember how evil I felt for taking the medication, then how I realized it helped and was sometimes a necessary "evil" to take "happy pills". THen, I realized something even worse. It was creating problems in my marriage due to side effects I hadn't realized were there. That is why I weaned myself off the medication several years ago. Now, I find myself back in this deep, dark pit and don't know what to do. Do I take the meds? Face the potential side-effects and headaches, missed med-aches, and see if it helps? Do I continue the journey I just started on Saturday with St. John's Wort? Do i seek help? I can't handle hearing from one more person that if I just did XYor Z that I'd get better. Don't get me wrong. I want to get better. I hate HATE HATE being in this place, but I don't feel as if I have what it takes to pull myself up each rung of the ladder to get out.

Tonight on my drive home from a meeting, I heard song after song that talked about being where I'm at. They were helpful, encouraging, but still I sit here alone trying to fight this so it doesn't take me completely out.

Could this just be SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever it's called? Could I just need sunshine? Could it be that simple?

I've tried to explain this to my husband, but I don't think he understands. Of course he's in his own down stage now. We usually are able to balance each other out, but not this time. I'm often afraid to let him see me when I'm crying and this down (which causes other problems because the last time he had no clue how bad it got cause he was at work when most of my depression came out.).

Here are some songs I heard tonight:

Aaron Jeoffrey - After the Rain
From the album After the Rain

I cover my heart
Turn from the wind
Button my coat
Here comes the storm again
What can I do but to trust in Him

'Cause I know the deeper my faith runs
The stronger I become
And the thunder, it may shake me
But I always know that...

Chorus
After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you've made it through
And you'll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain

Everyone needs
Everyone hurts
Everyone feels
The weight of the world sometimes
But don't let the wind sweep your heart away

'Cause even the roughest waters cleanse
so when they come again
Let them serve as a reminder
You can always know that...

(Repeat chorus)
Can't you see the hand of Jesus
Reaching out for you
You never have to face the storm alone

Kutless - What Faith Can Do
From the album It Is Well

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You do have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

The Katinas - One More Time
From the album The Katinas

Lord, I saw your face last night
When I looked in the sky
You were smiling
You told me it would be okay
You would make a way
In my dark times

Chorus:
Every time I hear your voice
Every time I feel your touch
It makes me know that I can face tomorrow
One more time

When all my friends go away
I'll be glad to say
You're still near me
Even when the wind blows by
I feel warm inside
You're so lovely

Chorus

I need you, don't leave me
Without you I can't survive

Chorus

I know that I can face tomorrow
'Cause you will walk me through
My pain and sorrow
I know that I can face tomorrow
One more time

I can face tomorrow
You can face tomorrow
We can face tomorrow
One more time

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers as I walk this dark road, waiting for the SON-light to reach me and heal my heart.