I will survive... (inspired by Ronda's blog entry

Remember that song? I don't know who originally sang the song, but over 84 versions came up when I "i-tuned" it. Ever have one of those days (ok sometimes it seems like a life) when it seems you need to sing that song over and over and over and over and over....you get the point. I've been sick with pneumonia since Tuesday night. (I like to blame the meeting I was at Monday night with no heat...sitting there shaking for 3 hours...as the cause of this...the things we do for the things we love! IT was a business meeting). I couldn't get warm that night. I think I finally thawed out around 3 am, but then I had to get up a few hours later for the day, and well, by evening, I was asking Phil to set up my nebulizer because I was not breathing well. I ended up working out Wednesday, hoping against hopes that working out would help stretch out my body and get the airways cleared again. It didn't. I went to the health center (spending 2 hours there with 2 kids...now that was an adventure of sorts that I don't want to repeat). They told me I had pneumonia and put my on prednisone (one of my hated meds...it give me tons of energy in the first couple of days so I feel as tho I could conquer the world, but then as it tapes off, I have less energy (even tho the meds course thru my body and make me VERY fidgety) so I get mean, grumpy, moody, and well, Jekyll and Hyde-like. Even the slightest things tick me off and I go through the roof. For instance last night when I decided to do baths (why couldn't they have waited) while Phil was gone and I was feeling so miserable...it ended in super duper tears for Lilly because she didn't like me. I apologized for getting so mad, but explained yet again how the medicine does this to me. I pray so hard against the effects of it. Sometimes it works seems better then others. This time doesn't seem so...maybe it's because I'm so far from my mommy. Isn't it weird that even at my age just thinking of it can bring you to tears? (Side note: when I was in the health center feeling so miserable, the receptionist who is older then me so totally understood! She said she feels the same thing when she's sick...like she had been this past week.) Although I know my husband gets frustrated (only slightly because he does understand a bit better now then at first) that I really want my mom when I'm sick, he knows it's not that I don't appreciate all he does or how he takes care of me. (Well, not sure that's completely true because I get really annoyed when he kicks into...I can't be you mode and so I won't do anything but ignore you). I miss having my mommy to help me, to clean my dishes, sweep my house, take my kids, or just keep them occupied for a little while so I can heal. Isn't it funny the things we take for granted?

I will survive...more things I will survive...being 10 hours away from what was formerly home. Corning, NY. Family, friends, church, MOPS group (that I helped lead for 3 years, served for 6.6 years on Steering), everything I call familiar. It's tough missing friend (my friend Ronda mentioned that on her blog in the past few days too). It seems rare to find someone who lives here because they wanted to...now don't take me wrong, I know there are the natives (that isn't meant in a derogatory way), and then there are the long-time-ago transplanted ones who've become as natives, and then there are those who are here solely because God moved us here to work for the largest employer in the county - IWU. (Sorry, Ronda, you still fit into the transplant by God group...just not because you work - or the older one works at IWU) It's difficult making new friends. I'm a rather outgoing kind of person (at least I like to think of myself that way), so making friends has never been a particularly big issue. The problem is that most of the time I want those deep friendships like I have in NY (NOW) not some surface friendly nicety. (Again...no mean-ness intended to my new friends...just keep reading...you'll understand if you don't already...Christy) As you begin to build friendships, there is a lot of surface "how's the weather? " "How's the kids?" talk. There is nothing wrong with this kind of talk, it's how you get to know each other, but there are days, many days, when I yearn for those gut-honest Laura or Lorri conversations that make you think about your heart attitudes or make you realize that it's ok to take things 1 minute or 1 second at a time.

Although my new friends can ask me how I am doing, I find it hard to really open up. Last week I was having a particularly hard time when I went to MOPS I was pretty much in tears no matter what anyone would say to me. One friend in particular asked and I told her it was one of those days it's just better not to ask. I sat thru meeting on split second away from crying (funny thing is our speaker was talking about depression!). Thankfully, instead of being offended, this friend started praying for me because she knew the "place" I was in. She knew the heartache (even after several years of being here) of being away from friends and the heartache it could cause. She knew that it takes time and it's something we all have to face and attempt to SURVIVE. That day, we ended up emailing and deciding to get together the next day. It was one of the best decisions I made to say, "Hey, come for lunch?" We talked, shared stories, and just got to know each other better. I think it helped us both (she may comment twice (according to custom of her strange blogging comment techniques) about whether it did or not, but that's not the point. She cared enough to reach out. Even as an outgoing kind of gal, this gets old...the reaching out part. I get tired of the one who has to initiate friendships. My husband does too. You think that others, the ones who have been here and are settled, should be the ones reaching out welcoming, but that isn't necessarily how it works. We've been learning otherwise. If we don't reach out, we can't count on connections happening. It's just how life is. Karen, who is a long ago transplant, shares those wise words with Phil and I. They've been so helpful. It's also helpful knowing others go through it too. (Although, it doesn't seem to lessen the pain or make it seem easier).

I'm surviving...learning to get used to a new MOPS group that doesn't have "ME" invested into it. There are very few people (Lorri, Laura, mom) who will probably understand that I don't mean this self-righteously). I had poured so much of myself into the Big Flats MOPS group as a mom, but also on Steering for 6.6 years. I was publicity, and then coordinator. I watched the group morph into what it is now. I watched moms come and go. I watched changes improve, and at times tear apart. I watched leaders being built (one of my passions in life...but that's for another blog). I watched moms who I never dreamed would step up and help, do just that. I saw the group grow and shrink. I saw the sweats of my labor (especially on Tuesdays during our 1 hour plus set up) become a spring-board (and then frustration) for serving. I knew each of the moms (at least in some capacity) and saw so much that I could do, but then had no more energy to give. Although I passed the leadership off to capable hands, it has still been hard. It's kinda hard being "just a mom" after serving so much. I feel out of place at times now (although it is strangely easier in a different group). I look for ways to reach out, to serve (one thing I've noticed here is that their setup is a piece of cake! There's no moving kids stuff around to set up classrooms, no arranging tables or sound system, no serious sweat to be had! They put tablecloths on tables that are already set up, pull the hospitality stuff together (just for the moms), and so it seems, they are just about ready to go! it almost makes me envious!) I've been careful whom I shared with that I was formerly a coordinator or even on Steering team because I don't want them to think that I'm here to take over or feel threatened. I've offered assistance and shared with a few. I'm doing what several friends said I should do "Go and JUST be a mom. Be ministered to, and soak it up without feeling like you have to be serving." It feels nice most times. The biggest struggle at this group is that instead of begging for MOPS days, I have to beg Katy to go. She hates it. Last meeting, I ended up bawling because she just refused to go and it was all that I had and I DESPERATELY NEEDED it. She went, but not happily. Katy used to love it. I think it was because of Mrs. Mazza, because of Peighton and the other girls, and knowing that she'd get to play with Bumpy (Grandpa - the ever present at church and MOPS) before and after. Crap...here come the tears again. Pardon me.... sniff. Sniff. Anyway, we'll survive this too.

What else am I surviving? Hmm...learning how to grow a business from the ground up again. I started my Pampered Chef business over 5 years ago (actually celebrated my 5th anniversary the day after moving into our house here). It's good training for me as I work with my team, but it's tough too. I would have 8-9 shows/month. Now, I get excited having 4! It's growing though. I'm making contacts...even when I'm sick like this because the nurse at the health center was asking me about PC because several of them had been talking about needing to order some products, but didn't know where to go. She was so excited that they could browse my catalog and then order online. She didn't want to have to do a party to get the products! I shared what a blessing they could be to me since I was trying so hard to get the business started here. As my friend Char says, "You can do it!" I know I can. It makes me a stronger person (Oh I HATE that saying) and helps me reach deep inside of me to pull out what I truly want - not just the surface stuff like the added income that is oh so important, but the heart tugs like helping others find and achieve their dreams, like painting the pictures that help make people's lives in their kitchens (and businesses) quicker, easier and more fun. It's their life, their way with the PC! Directorship...I'm envisioning what it is going to feel like walking stage as a new director (or advanced director if my team keeps plugging away like they are trying to) and how awesome it will be to relish that feeling of accomplishment (only to set more goals and have to plug away at them in order to reach that oh so awesome high again!)

By the way, you can thank Ronda for getting me on this "I can survive" kick...find her link on the link section and tool over to her blog to see why. (If that isn't a plug and free advertising, I don't know what is!)

I will survive.... I will survive… I will survive! (Hear that Laura? Hear that Ronda!)