3 Weeks?

Wow! Some days it hardly seems possible that tonight marks 3 weeks in our house here in Indiana. I’ve had several different people ask how I’m doing. My response seems to be…”It depends on the day.”

I’ve been pretty gloomy today. I know there are several reasons – exhaustion, not sleeping well, children who take turns NOT behaving, stress, EMOTIONS… The list could go on and on. Today, Phil worked ALL day. He wanted to check out the Friday Night Live event on campus. He had planned to come home for dinner, but then his team asked him to stay, so he did. It is now 12:30 on Friday, our date night, and guess where he is? Yep. Ok, so lest you think I’m being bitter, let me change my toon!

I took the girls out to McDonald’s since he wasn’t going to be home and he hates Mc D’s. I figured the girls could have fun at the play place and give me a few minutes reprieve. It worked for the most part. I sat there trying not to cry as I watched grandparents playing with their grandkids, laughing at the kids antics, and wishing it were my kids playing with their grandparents, wishing for a friend to talk to, wishing to not be so lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m making friends, but I feel so isolated sometimes. I guess I’m at fault for not calling them, but it’s hard because I don’t want to seem like a crybaby. I hate calling someone and then ending up crying. I always feel like such a baby. I know these emotions are normal, I know they are for real, and I know they’ll eventually vanish, but for now, they’re here and hard to get rid of.

I’ve been reading a book that my mom gave me the night before they left (and told me to read it NOW!). It’s called After the boxes are unpacked – moving on after moving in. It has been very helpful. (Thanks, mom.) She’s even been checking up on me to see if I’m reading it. The book talks about the way we can feel (everyone has different feelings and emotions surrounding their move) after moving. Some can feel excited, bitter, angry, or indifferent. It can even cause a loss of identity. I don’t think I feel any of those feelings, but lonely describes my feelings pretty well.

You never realize how important the small things are like your favorite radio station, hearing an extended newscast on that radio station over the noon hour, seeing that friend’s face, even if it is just to wave at them as you pass in the road; being able to stop by your mom’s house for someone to talk to or for a hug or shoulder to cry on, to watch your dad fill the birdfeeder with your daughters. All these memories are something I long for, something I cherish. Something I DESPERATELY miss. I even miss the phone ringing! I had to run back into the house today when I was supposed to be leaving to pick Lilly up just because I heard the phone ringing. It’s not like I don’t have an answering machine! I just hoped it would be someone I wanted to talk to (not the gal from the mortgage office!)

I knew this move would be tough, but I never imagined it would be this hard. Ok, so parts of it I knew…just not all of it. It’s hard to let one’s expectations go. I had an email from a friend who lives in Florida who told me to make sure I’m making time for me each day away from the boxes. I did that for a while tonight (watched my favorite old TV show – Little House on the Prairie – the one where Laura gets married – great on the emotions, huh?!!) The strange thing is, when I take that much needed time for me, I get more emotional, and sadder, and lonelier. It’s frustrating to me.

One thing has been neat though. I’ve made a friend in a gal in NY, that I never really had a chance to get to know much before leaving. She’s actually been somewhat of a lifeline to me. Thanks, Melinda! (Oh, and thanks for the hugs that made mom cry!)