I'm struggling with a HUGE amount of guilt. There are other things I could have done. I could have tried the antibiotics and the medication to help memory loss (cat insanity), I could have found a animal rescue place (not the humane society that isn't so humane here), I could have nursed her as she would have done if she could have for me. Although I asked the doctor if he felt any of the medications would help and he said we could cross our fingers, but it probably wouldn't make any difference...I still feel like I betrayed my best friend in her time of need. Why couldn't I have just tried something else?
My "baby" loved me so much. She put up with my bad moods (better than anyone else ever has!), she came back over and over and over and over even when rejected for attention (would I have that much heart?), she always found a way to find me when I needed her. Now, she's not here. Everywhere I turn, I think I should be seeing her. I use the bathroom (she always trotted down the hall and pushed the door open so I would take 2 spare seconds "alone" to scratch HER ears), when I go to bed, when I sit and watch TV, when I open the back door (and don't have to tell her to move), when I sweep the floor and don't find a cat mess, when I make breakfast, when I open a can, when I take out the trash, when I go in the little bathroom where she spent her last night, when I sit and check email, when I walk in the front door....the list could go on. It's deathly silent with out her here. Katy told me it was quiet sometimes when she was here (she did sleep a LOT!), but it just seems quieter.
My heart is so broken. I've been crying out to God and having some rather interesting conversations...not sure if it is really helping, but... I'm sure my applesauce that I made all day today has a few tears in it from my crying as I worked, but hey, it won't hurt anyone. I want to curl up on the couch with her. (Kimberly Clark ought to appreciate my business with all the Kleenex I'm going through!)
Some moments I wish I were just a kid and could go curl up on my mommy or daddy's lap and know that it would all be ok. Being an adult (and seeing my girls and husband hurt so much too) stinks. There's no easy "bandaid" or quick fix. It's so final. She'll never be back. She's gone. There will never be another cat just like her. Never one so beautiful or so Stripey.
Here are a few of her last moments here with us. Katy took the one with me holding Stripey. Not bad for a 5 year old!
Oh those green eyes!
"I see that treat you have. Give it to me!"
"Can I get the treat without all the work?"
"Alright. You win. I want it badly enough to beg for it!" 
"Now let me eat the treat, will you!"
"I love you too, but you know I hate being squeezed like this. I'm a cat, not a teddy bear."
1 comment:
so sorry to hear about stripey-she was a great cat! I'll be praying for you, I know it is tough losing a friend-even if it was a pet.
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